25 kinds of people who interview you for jobs

During my time searching for gainful employment I’ve gone through my fair share of interviews. Although most recruiters have a similar set of questions, there were definitely some interesting individuals that I encountered in my quest for the perfect job…which is still continuing by the way.

1. The Cyborg

“Hi, nice to meet you, bye. NEXT.”

But.

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2. The Definite-Maybe

“You are exactly what we need, you clear all our tests, you are the perfect company material…I’m just not sure if we actually have a vacancy.”

So…did I get the job?

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3. The Judger

“What are you passionate about? If you’re passionate about music then you won’t be passionate about your work would you huh? So you don’t actually know what you want.”

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4. The Mother Goose

“We loooaaavvveeee young people like you, absolutely loooaavveeee mentoring young ones, I feel so much looaaavveee for the young lot…just not right now. Just not ever. Just not you.”

I…okay…

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5. The Reaper

“So you’re a marketing graduate? Sell me this pen. No wait that’s too easy, sell me a condom. No? Okay sell me your soul.”

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6. The Romantic

“I know you’ve applied for this position but are you sure you will like it? Love it maybe? Promise me that you will love it and cherish it and hold it close.”

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7. The Professor

“What is the investment portfolio like for a risk-averse investor? Give numerical working. What is the relationship between Reach and Frequency. Explain with examples. Don’t cry, I just want to know how good you are academically.”

Please stahp.

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8. The Newbie

“What do you know about our company? Oooh I didn’t know that. I don’t know what I’m doing right now either, I just joined last week.”

Neither do I. *highfive*

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9. The Good-Bad Cop

“I would like to take ten minutes to introduce my lovely colleague here in 500 words…now I will let this amazing colleague ask you all the nice questions while I watch you slowly die inside from my stare.”

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10. The Procrastinator

“I’m gonna interview five people at the same time so I won’t have to do this again and again, now you better remember the questions I ask candidate #1 because I don’t wanna repeat myself.”

Aren’t I lucky…

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11. The Best Friend

“Omg you write? Send me something you’ve written! And no I won’t give you my email address for this because I’m obviously just trying to make you feel better about the lack of any other talents in your existence.”

We could totally be frenemies.

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12. The Non-believer

“Why this company? No but why? No I’m asking why? Why do you want to work here? Where are you going? Don’t you want to work here?”

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13. The Investigator

“No I will not look at your degree that states you have finished 18 years of education. I just need to verify this myself. Tell me everything about your life, your family, your job, your friends, your secrets.”

too-much

14. The Crook

“Some people say the way we do business is wrong but it’s only some people. Let’s go with what the majority thinks we do eh?”

I feel so…disillusioned…

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15. The Sleazeball

“What may I do for a beautiful, young girl like yourself? Desk? Yours. Corner office? Yours. Company? I come with it *wink*.”

Uh…no thanks.

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16. The Desperado

“I know our company isn’t famous and you don’t wanna work here but just give the interview okay?”

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17. The Forward Thinker

“Where do you see yourself in five years? Ten years?”

In a goddamn mirror, that’s where.

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18. The Commitment-phile

“Do you have children? Are you married? Are you engaged? Are you committed? Oh you’re single? But then you might get committed and engaged and married and have kids and then you’ll leave us. Forever.”

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19. The Commitment-phobe

“People leave us very quickly. I want to know if you think you’ll leave us. And how soon.”

You want me to go before I even join? Ok.

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20. The Philosopher

“What have you done with your life till now? How do you measure success? What is heaven and hell? What is my middle name?”

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21. The Soliloquist

“At this company we…

*30 minute long monologue ensues*

…What else would you like to know about us?”

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22. The Player

“Hey yeah I know you didn’t apply for this position, and you’re not even the right fit for this job, but I thought I’d call you over to make you feel horrible about yourself.”

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23. The False-Hope-Giver

“No of course this is the last stop, but I’m only saying this to get rid of you because we actually take three-tiered interviews but we won’t tell you that.”

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24. The One Distracted by Shiny Objects

“This position is actually- OMG I LOVE YOUR NAIL COLOR!”

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25. The Non-existent

“I feel like you’re the ideal candidate so I’d like to make you the final offer.”

Haha. This is actually a myth. There are no happy endings.

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*end of list*

 

 

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There is no fault in her stars

She sat hunched in the cubicle, silent tears making their way down her pretty face, dripping from her chin on the bathroom floor. She could hear heels clicking on the tiles as girls made their way in and out of the ladies room, unaware of her misery in the corner stall. She tried to drown out the sounds, scrunching her eyes shut, rocking silently, hoping to ease the pain of disappointment, the slap of failure. This isn’t how she wanted to start her new life, scared of being left behind, thrown out of this life like a used tissue paper. This isn’t what she wanted but it certainly felt like the culmination of all her fears, condensed into this one moment and suddenly all she saw was darkness ahead of her.

How had it come to this? The teenage girl with the world at her feet was now a woman lost in the great big maze that is life, trying to find her footing. She had everything she ever wanted or needed, but a spate of unfortunate events had brought her to this point in her life where she did not know how or what to live for anymore. She was not weak; not when she lost her loved ones at an age where she needed them the most, not when she had to be the responsible adult taking care of the house when other girls were picking out prom dresses, not when she found herself surrounded by strangers away from everything she held near and dear. No, she had never been weak. But now she had reached the end of her tether and suddenly she wanted to let go, tired of holding on for so long she felt herself freefalling to her doom.

She didn’t know how much time had passed since she locked herself away in the bathroom stall. Not that anyone would notice, she thought. I am nothing; unimportant, unnecessary, irrelevant and a misfit. That is all I am to anybody who knows me, she rued as she choked on sobs that threatened to drown her. As weak as she had become, parched lips a sign of her dehydration, there was nothing left in her empty shell of a body to even squeeze out more tears. I wouldn’t be surprised to find my soul floating away aimlessly because the vessel that is my body has rejected it as well, she thought to herself.

She slowly got up and wiped her face with her hands, sniffling silently she rearranged her clothes and tiptoed out of her bathroom stall. Splashing cold water on her face she composed herself, smoothing out the creases of pain that were etched in her face a few moments ago. The office was deserted; nobody stayed in for lunch on Fridays especially when you had the food street across from work. She saw the two texts from her teammates, new recruits themselves, asking about lunch. Touching up on her makeup, she quickly checked her wallet for the crumpled note that would cover her small meal with her equally broke and nervous coworkers and headed for the elevator. After an awkward lunch of iced tea and stilted words of comfort offered to her for the boss’ early morning verbal thrashing, she headed back to her desk and hunched over the routine report she had been called too stupid to complete.

Despite her numbed senses she heard his voice, clear and confident, over the din of the bustling workplace. She was so attuned to his presence that it was hard to breathe every time he passed by her desk, enveloping her in his scent that evoked suppressed memories now too painful to recall. He was still the same person who had been the center of her universe, but someone else had become the center of his. She had been orbiting him, latching onto his warmth, but to him she was like Pluto, a small cute blip on his radar now no longer worthy of being even called a planet. She was his “good friend” who he cared about, but she was being “silly” that he hadn’t cared enough to want more. Why she had even allowed herself to become so attached when she had already been hurting from the rejection by one who she thought had been her soulmate. This short-lived office romance that had taken her mind off a failed relationship had only made old wounds bleed fresh again. Like everything else she touched, this part of her life too had turned to dust, and now she was being chased by the sandstorms of her own failures.